I recently found several quotes I like by this comedian, Demetri Martin. Turns out, he's very funny, and I thought you all should be able to laugh. So read on, and enjoy yourselves.
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’"
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'"
"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m cold just right here?’”
“I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
"Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like 'Bush sucks!', 'U2 Rocks!' I want to make indifferent graffiti. 'Toy Story 2 was okay!' 'I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further.' 'This is a bridge!'"
"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”