Monday, March 22, 2010


I bought my first home today. I am filled with crazy thoughts and emotions right now about the whole thing. A few years ago, all I knew was change - (2004) my parents divorced, my mom died, (2005) I graduated, I moved back home, (2006) I moved to Raleigh, I sold my mom's house, I went to Southeastern, I stopped going to Southeastern, I taught for a few months, I hated teaching, I worked as an assistant for a tree care company, I decided to teach again, (2007) - the year things slowed down.

For the past 3 years, I've lived with the same girls, in a house next to the same guys (for the most part). I've had the same job. I've grown accustomed to things being relatively the same as each year passes. Even my blog is named for the home I've known for the past 3 years. I guess I'll need to change the name of it?

This change is good. I am so thankful to have been able to buy a home. As I sit here tonight, though, I am sad. I think my biggest fear is being forgotten. That's easy to type when it's just me and my computer screen, but it takes a lot to think that others might read it. This fear is a deep seated fear at the root of most of my insecurities and sin. Let me say here that a huge part of my fear is not true. I have wonderful friends, and a dad who remember me often, who call me, email me, "facebook" me throughout each week. But at these major times of change, I start to question all of this. Sometimes I feel like certain friendships are only those of convenience, and if I was removed from their immediate world, it would be "out of sight, out of mind."

I am going to stop right here and speak a little truth to myself. I heard someone say the other day that God doesn't give grace for hypothetical situations. I really appreciate that. Most of my fears that I have listed in the above paragraph are to some extent untrue and incredibly self centered. Not once did I mention (or even think about) the fact that I also have a responsibility to remember others. So, needless to say, I'm working on some things.

Above all of this self-focus, however, needs to be the reminder that God remembers. "It is He who made us, and we are his. We are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." In Hebrews, it also says, "He will never leave you nor forsake you." That verse comes directly after the command to be content with what you have. So there must be a connection with contentment and understanding that God is for you and will not leave you. He is enough. That's my problem. I so often don't believe that he is enough. I think there must be some other thing I am missing. On any given day, I could believe that I am missing out on having a husband, attention from friends (or anyone), wanting to look like or be like someone else... I truly believe all of these things will satisfy me more than God. Why else would I be so plagued by discontentment?

I am chasing rabbits, but they are rabbits worth chasing. It's how my mind works, and somehow it always comes back around to the main point. Maybe I should co-write a book with Donald Miller :) I could offer random stories, if nothing else. My blog started with the fact that I bought a house today. Getting back to that... I am thankful that through a very common, normal thing like buying something, God works to reveal pockets of darkness in my heart, so that light may be shed on them, that I can be made more like Christ.

God remembers. I am the one who forgets.