The Mountain

No worries... I won't quote any part of the song by Steven Curtis Chapman.  At least not intentionally.

This summer has been a really good time of reflection and introspection.  Sometimes introspection is not good, because it can turn into self-absorption, but I really think that God has used my down time this summer to show me some things I haven't been able to see in the past several years.  Over the past 2 weeks specifically God has given me some wonderful mornings (and afternoons) of reading His word.  One particular day this week, I wasn't able to read in the morning, and instead of the nagging guilt I had grown accustomed to experiencing when I don't read the Bible, I felt a real yearning for the comfort and peace that comes with knowing God and spending time with Him.  It was a lovely surprise to realize that I truly felt something was missing because I didn't read that morning.

This is huge for me.  At the age of 16 when God drew me to Himself, I read my Bible, but I was never very disciplined.  I truly wanted to know truth, and I would have pockets of time where I would read voraciously, but I was never good at reading when I didn't "feel like it."  I knew this was an issue, and I had prayed and asked God (and other people) for help, but I never saw much victory.  

Over my Christmas break in 2003, I came home to Port St. Joe, and I had a lot of time to read and just hang out.  God moved in me so miraculously during those 2 weeks.  Although I was already a Christian, and I knew I was a sinner and that God had rescued me through the death and resurrection of Christ, I had not truly realized the depth of my sin and the glories of God. Through the story of Daniel being thrown into a den of lions, God showed me the grossness and vastness of my sin, and the depths of His goodness and mercy.

Let me stop right here and say that I am surrounded by a lot of people who went to seminary, and because of that, over time, I have felt intimidated and unwilling to talk in depth about God for fear that my knowledge was "wrong" or "out of context."  I still fear that, but God is helping me.  Me typing this and putting it on the internet is one step forward in that direction.  Ok, back to what I was saying...

In Daniel 6:22, Daniel says that God "shut the mouths of the lions."  Those same lions, who did not touch Daniel, had a very different response to the men who had falsely accused Daniel. When they were thrown in, "before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones."  As I read this, I became keenly aware of God's wrath, that it is terrible, and that it remains on everyone who does not trust in Christ for salvation.  They will be crushed by it.  God used this mightily in my life to bring me to a realization of what exactly I had been saved from.  I am no longer under the wrath of God!  I will not be overpowered or crushed by His terrible anger, but I have been rescued!  I am safe from the wrath of God as Daniel was safe from the lions.  I am protected by Christ.  He absorbed the wrath on my behalf. This is reason for excitement, praise, and a thankful heart!

The next 2 weeks of my life were the best of my life to that point.  I had never understood the gospel with such clarity, and I was so happy.  This all happened about a month before the worst year I could have imagined.  Within that year (really, it was squished into about 6 months), my parents divorced, my dad remarried, and my mom died.  A really bad year.  I look back on those 2 weeks at Christmas so fondly, because it was such a sweet thing God did for me.  He opened my eyes to see His goodness so that when my life and faith were violently shaken, I would know that He is for me, and that He has saved me, regardless of what life holds.  The following year was awful, and even in the years to come, I have struggled to find joy as I have tried to make sense of it all.  For about 4 years now, I have been asking God for another sweet time of fellowship with Him like I had so long ago.  I don't want to live in the past, but I longed for His presence the way I had experienced it then.  

That is where I was, when 2 weeks ago God opened my eyes once again to see His amazing grace (see the previous post).  I am so thankful.  I know there are times on the mountaintop that God gives us for renewal, and I know that there are valleys that are confusing and difficult.  I wanted to blog about the mountain so that I can look back on it when I'm tempted to rely on my emotions in the valley.

Grace Abounding

Over the weekend, my storage facility called me to let me know there was an air conditioning leak, and I should go check to make sure there was no water damage.  The majority of this blog post will not be about that, but about the way God used it to bring about a big revelation about the patterns of my faithless heart and of His boundless grace.  

When I finally went to check on things, I found that there wasn't really that much damage, but it was still a hassle because I have a ton of stuff in there, stuff that is not easily moved - a piano, a table, a bunch of heavy tubs, etc.  After moving a bunch of stuff out into the hallway and triple checking the important things to make sure they weren't damaged, I moved everything back in so I could close and lock it.  It's important for me to note here that my storage lock is not a padlock - it more of the shape of a roll of pennies, but about 1/4 of the size.  As I go to lock it, I realize that it's no longer connected to my key.  

I pitch a silent fit in my mind at how ridiculous it will be to try to find it, especially since I have moved so many things around, and I have no idea at what point it fell off my key.  I look all around for it, moving tubs and lifting bags of clothes.  At some point of my impatient frustration, it occurs to me to ask God for help.  So, I pray.  As I am praying, I say something like, "God, please please please just let me find the lock.  I don't know how, but just please let me find it."  Even as I say these words, my mind goes somewhere that it hasn't gone in quite a while (consciously anyway).  Full blown anger toward God.  This may sound incredibly ridiculous, seeing as how it was over a lock and key for crying out loud, and I'm the one who lost it anyway... but there are so many more layers than that.  I think to myself, "God isn't going to let me find this lock.  He never answers prayers the way I want him to, and He sure isn't going to start now."  These words were exactly what I have been thinking, and harboring inside for years, ever since my mom died.  Everything points back to that day, it seems.

And then something beautiful happened.  As grace is always found, it certainly wasn't at my most "shining" moment that God decided to bestow his favor on me.  It was at my grossest, most bratty, ugly moment, right after I told God that I was sure he wouldn't help me, that I angrily lifted up a trash bag full of old clothes (that I had already searched once during this process) and out fell the lock that I was so sure God wouldn't let me find.  I sat there stunned for a moment and then quickly repented.  

I have been processing the depths of this seemingly small act of kindness from Him.  In an instant, He showed me that instead of believing that God answers prayer, I believe that He won't.  My issue is not that I believe God can't do something, but that I believe He will not, for whatever reason.  It is a belief that has been detrimental to my faith over the last several years.  He is gracious enough not to let me stay that way.  He granted me one simple request when I didn't deserve it, as a reminder that He is for me, He answers prayers, and I must have faith in Him rather than doubting Him at every turn.  I am really thankful.

Summer Reading

Over the past 2 summers, thanks to teaching, I've rediscovered my love of reading.  I mostly like to read fiction, but I also read a good theology or practical life-application non-fiction book.  Here are some that I plan on reading this summer.  (This is kind of like a list for myself, more-so than the rest of you... so I can look back to see if I accomplished the goal of actually finishing them...):

Books to read (that I haven't started yet):

Tipping Point - Malcolm Gladwell

Persuasion - Jane Austen

Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult

Working with Parents - Ruby K. Payne

Books to finish (some of these I've been reading for years!):

Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

Uprooting Anger - Robert D. Jones

How People Change - Lane/Tripp

Ministries of Mercy - Tim Keller

Under the Overpass - Mike Yankoski (this one doesn't belong to me... I've had it for 3 years!)

Mansfield Park - Jane Austen

Future Grace - John Piper

Picture Perfect - Jodi Picoult

Salem Falls - Jodi Picoult

Looking at the list, it's become apparent that I have commitment issues with sticking with a book to the very end.  Maybe there's a book to help with that.... :-)  I could tackle this they way you tackle debt - read the books that I am almost done with first so that I can cross them off and feel like I've accomplished something.  

I also have somewhat of a predicament... Nicole Wilson (my roommate) has said that if I read the entire Twilight series, she will watch all the episodes of 30 Rock with me.  I love to watch TV with people, and that's my favorite show, so it seems like a great idea.  But the predicament is that I hate reading or watching stuff that is fantasy/sci-fi/can't be real.  Hmmmm.  I'll update my booklist if I decide to take her up on this deal.

Please feel free to recommend good reads (fiction or non) for the summer!  Thanks!

10 Lessons for New Teachers

I only have 9 more teaching days left.  I'm not sure how I'll feel after these 29 little ones go off to middle school.  It's so crazy that I've spent 172 days with them, a total of about 1200 hours with them since August.  Last year, I was fine on the last day.  I packed up my classroom and said goodbye to them - no tears.  But as I drove home, Say by John Mayer came on the radio, and I started crying and just could not stop.  

"Every little past frustration, take all of your so called problems, better put 'em in quotations."  

The last day of school is a day of letting go, and the realization sinks in for me that I no longer have influence on those little ones anymore.  They are gone, and all I can do is hope I said something right, or cared enough, or helped them understand something well enough. 

Unfortunately, I never seem to be able to harbor those thoughts and feelings when I am actually in the classroom... where it matters most.  Contrary to popular opinion, and the many movies portraying "inner city schools," thought-provoking, emotionally gripping music does not play in the background as I teach in my room.  Usually, it's the sound of a pencil sharpener falling on the ground ensuring that shavings are in every possible part of the desk area, the whine of, "But I didn't do nothin!" or "Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie..."  Somehow, I need to find a way to remember to overlook "the small stuff," and to see the bigger picture when I am in the classroom with the kids.  God, please help me with this.

As much as the end of the year is bittersweet, I do love being able to contemplate all that went wrong and right after the year has ended.  Starting over is lovely.  August brings new students, new trials, and new lessons.  It also brings new ideas.  That's my favorite - being able to change the things that just didn't work or that I didn't have the energy to change the previous year.  

Both years, I have learned much from the 2 very different classes I had.  I blogged about some funny stories from my first year of teaching.  Now, here are some lessons I've learned in my second year: 

1.  Never say, or even think to yourself, "It can't get worse."  It always can.  It can also get better.

2.  Sometimes rules simply have to have a negative in them.  It's crazy how specific they become too:  "Please do not follow me around the room while repeating my name over and over and over and over...." or "Please do not crowd so close to my desk that you get tangled in my computer cord and cause it to fall."

3.  When you stay calm and don't yell, it makes it a better day for everyone.

4.  Pray.  For strength, for patience (although it's tough when you get to exercise patience), for the students.  I haven't done that enough.

5.  Just because you think something is super cool doesn't mean they will.  Although, on the other hand, it is all in the presentation.  Sometimes you can convince them to think something's cool just by being excited about it.  

6.  If you don't actually want to know the truth, don't ask a kid.  They will tell you, and it's brutal.  Trust me.  Don't go fishing for compliments either.  

7.  Disney Channel makes eating lunch exciting (and more peaceful).  

8.  If at ALL possible, don't get a substitute during the first month of school.  Last year, I missed the first two weeks of school (chicken pox) and this year, I missed the second week of school (Central Asia).  It's really, really hard to bounce back from.  And I'm not one for using more than one "really" in a sentence, unless I really, really mean it.

9.  Telling the kids that you don't feel good to get their sympathy so they will behave does not work.  In many cases, it backfires, and they see your weakness as an invitation to misbehave because you won't have the energy to stop them.  Firsthand experience here.  

10.  The second you choose to finally go against every fiber of your being and throw something away, you will need it the next day, or possibly a few hours later, after the trash has been removed.  This is true of life in general, but it is magnified in schools.

4 more weeks...

Maybe this is why I'm so stressed out:

the bookshelf in my classroom where students "neatly stack" their books

and yes... this is a boot.  on the bookshelf.  

4 more weeks.

2/11/09

I had a great birthday!  My day started with waking up to streamers and balloons from my roommates, and Nicole made breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes) for us and some friends.  Yum.  When I got to school, here's what I saw:

Last week sometime, my students enlisted the help of another teacher and the custodian, and I guess they just assigned people what they needed to bring.  They had Capri-Suns, cupcakes, an array of chips, candy, and popcorn.  I got balloons, silk flowers, a plastic vase, and quite a few cards.  So sweet :-)  It was a very interesting balance to try to show my students that I was very thankful and that I thought it was so sweet, but that I also still needed to discipline the kids that tried to take advantage of the fact that it seemed to be a "fun day" from the beginning. That was not easy, but it worked out okay.  There were only a few kids who pushed the limit, and for the most part, everyone was in a great mood, and it was a great day.  

After school, I came home and my roommates had invited my friend Cary over, and we all ate Lilly's Pizza.  Yum.  When I went to Community Group, we all stood around outside (because today was SO amazing outside... 75 degrees!).  When we went inside, they had arranged some brownies and ice cream, along with a lovely picture of me:  

This all started when Cary and her husband Jason decided to get rid of a large picture of him at our community group's Christmas gift exchange.  It has been passed around a few times, and now I get to decide who the next recipient is, and I get to put their face on it!  Fun.  Now I just have to find a place for it until then.  Maybe on my desk at school.... 

I am thankful for all my wonderful friends and family who called and wished me a happy birthday.  I have really been missing my mom these past few weeks, and this morning I found myself feeling an overwhelming sadness, even in the midst of such wonderful people and blessings.  I know it's not a bad thing for me to miss my mom, but I am thankful that God showed me that if I focused on how sad I was today, I would miss out on the joy of seeing the family of God care for me and love me.  It was a conscious fight all day long to choose to focus on the here and now instead of on what I don't have, but I am thankful that God showed it to me first thing and helped me all day.  

"What do you have that you did not receive?"  1 Corinthians 4:7

Thank you, God, for the many undeserved blessings you showered down on me today!

Today

2-hour delay today - kids come at 10:45.  Very exciting for all teachers and students.

In reading - we have 6 laptops for the kids to use.  It's very difficult to monitor the use of the laptops while trying to teach a reading group while trying to answer questions about latin stems while trying to keep 3 kids from literally shocking other kids with fake Juicy Fruit purchased at Spencers.

After lunch - one of my lovelies decides he can leave the classroom without asking me.  I don't realize this for about 10 minutes.  A kid goes to find him and brings him back.  I write a discipline referral.

Later after lunch - 4 kids swarm my desk to ask me questions.  In the midst of the confusion, one kid knocks my macbook (my own personal computer) off of my desk onto the hard tile floor.  I yell at them all to sit down.  A blood vessel in my eye bursts.  This is true.  I wait about 3 minutes before I check to see if my computer still works.  I pray this whole time that I will react appropriately regardless of whether or not it works.  It does work.  Praise God.  

After Math - another teacher comes in to let me know that one of my kids was playing with a $100 bill in class.  This is not the first time that has happened this year, both times it's been boys in my class that have these big bucks.  ***(we found out later that one of them actually traded it to the other one for his cookie and bag of chips...  Jacob and Esau?)

After school - a student brings me papers to grade.  This is the news that brightens my day a bit.  3 girls from another class chose to write about me for the last writing assignment.  Here are some of the sweet (and funny) statements they made about me in their writing:

Student #1:

"She is smart.  She is nice.  Although, she can be a little mean when your getting on her nerves, but other than that she's still nice."

"She dresses cool, she's sporty, outgoing and hip."  Ha!  :-)

"Ms. Christie is a great reader, when she reads the whole world stops idmmedieity."  (that word is supposed to be 'immediately...')  "She knows when to punish you and when to love you.  She knows when to act silly around you."

Student #2:

"Ms. Christie is so magnificent and pretty!"  (this one makes me giggle, because I imagine she had a list of words she wanted to use that were 'big words.')  

"Ms. Christie has beautiful shoes."  This one makes me confused, because I pretty much wear the same flip flops every day...

"Suddenly she is very kind."  Hahahaha, again, trying to use a "writing term" but not using it in the right way.  Precious.  

"She loves when I ask questions about math.  Sometimes when I really understand it she is very excited.  She is never creul" (cruel) "and she believe in me."  :-)  sweet....

Student #3:

"You are very special to be in her clas.  But she makes you take your shoe off if you ask her for a pencil.  But she is still a spectaculart teacher."  

"She helps you when you need it.  An she give out candy to.  I love candy.  How about you?  Don't you like candy?"  This one makes me laugh because I honestly don't give out candy very often.  But maybe I did one day - she obviously remembers it as a very motivating part of being in my class....

Now you have been on a virtual field trip of my day.  Hope you enjoyed it!