Truth

I have not written on my blog since I moved into my house over 4 months ago! I'll be starting school in a little over a week, so I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to share at that time. Nothing too funny tonight, though. My mind is swirling with thoughts.

As with every summer that I don't teach, I am able to do a lot of introspection. During the school year, my thoughts are so scattered, and it's always nice to have a retreat during the summer to figure out at least a few of the many issues that plague me. This summer has thankfully been no different.

The first major theme that I have noticed in myself is how little I truly believe about God. For example, I was reading, "The one who comes to me I will by no means cast out," and "His compassions fail not. They are new every morning." As I read these beautiful words, I catch myself thinking, "How wonderful would that be if it were true..." That sounds quite sacrilegious, and it scares me that people will read it and judge me for even typing it out. But I must be honest. I live most days like the gospel is not true! I often live in so much fear that it cripples me and keeps me from loving and serving others (and worshipping God!) the way I am meant to.

I acknowledge that I believe in my inability to save myself, and the fact that only Jesus can reconcile me to God. Why, then, do I care so much more about how others view me than how my wonderful God has provided a way for me to actually know Him? My actions and entire life would look so different if I truly believed Scripture and applied it to my life daily.

My fears (which flesh themselves out in many facets of my life) would be helped so much if I simply believed that I will not be cast out! God has accepted me, because of Christ, and He will never leave me nor forsake me! His Spirit helps me in my weakness! His steadfast love never ceases! Nothing can separate me from Him! How freeing these truths are! God, help me to believe. Give me faith that cannot be shaken. What a God-honoring and fulfilling life I can lead, if these are the things I choose to dwell on, instead of my fears.

The second theme of the summer for me is that I don't really know how to read my Bible well. I recently realized that until I joined TCC a few years ago, most of the Bible studies I had been a part of in my life were topical, or randomly chosen sections of Scripture. I think this is why I have such a hard time knowing where to start reading, or how to diligently work through a particular book or section of Scripture on my own. I am thankful for understanding my need for this, because all the things I mentioned earlier will be greatly affected by my ability to read and understand God's word. Reading the Bible consistently instead of just randomly will enable me to see overarching themes of God's great plan, which I think will increase my faith.

My favorite hymn, How Firm a Foundation, keeps coming to mind. I put it on my blog a lot, but I think that's ok, because it's just that good :) Here it is again!

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!

What more can He say than to you he hath said -

To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

Fear not, I am with Thee, oh be not dismayed,

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my gracious omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow.

For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress. ***Side note from me: No life situation is wasted!***

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace all-sufficient shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not harm thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,

I will not, I will not desert to his foes.

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake.

I'm quite thankful and encouraged right now :) Thank you God.

Change

I bought my first home today. I am filled with crazy thoughts and emotions right now about the whole thing. A few years ago, all I knew was change - (2004) my parents divorced, my mom died, (2005) I graduated, I moved back home, (2006) I moved to Raleigh, I sold my mom's house, I went to Southeastern, I stopped going to Southeastern, I taught for a few months, I hated teaching, I worked as an assistant for a tree care company, I decided to teach again, (2007) - the year things slowed down.

For the past 3 years, I've lived with the same girls, in a house next to the same guys (for the most part). I've had the same job. I've grown accustomed to things being relatively the same as each year passes. Even my blog is named for the home I've known for the past 3 years. I guess I'll need to change the name of it?

This change is good. I am so thankful to have been able to buy a home. As I sit here tonight, though, I am sad. I think my biggest fear is being forgotten. That's easy to type when it's just me and my computer screen, but it takes a lot to think that others might read it. This fear is a deep seated fear at the root of most of my insecurities and sin. Let me say here that a huge part of my fear is not true. I have wonderful friends, and a dad who remember me often, who call me, email me, "facebook" me throughout each week. But at these major times of change, I start to question all of this. Sometimes I feel like certain friendships are only those of convenience, and if I was removed from their immediate world, it would be "out of sight, out of mind."

I am going to stop right here and speak a little truth to myself. I heard someone say the other day that God doesn't give grace for hypothetical situations. I really appreciate that. Most of my fears that I have listed in the above paragraph are to some extent untrue and incredibly self centered. Not once did I mention (or even think about) the fact that I also have a responsibility to remember others. So, needless to say, I'm working on some things.

Above all of this self-focus, however, needs to be the reminder that God remembers. "It is He who made us, and we are his. We are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." In Hebrews, it also says, "He will never leave you nor forsake you." That verse comes directly after the command to be content with what you have. So there must be a connection with contentment and understanding that God is for you and will not leave you. He is enough. That's my problem. I so often don't believe that he is enough. I think there must be some other thing I am missing. On any given day, I could believe that I am missing out on having a husband, attention from friends (or anyone), wanting to look like or be like someone else... I truly believe all of these things will satisfy me more than God. Why else would I be so plagued by discontentment?

I am chasing rabbits, but they are rabbits worth chasing. It's how my mind works, and somehow it always comes back around to the main point. Maybe I should co-write a book with Donald Miller :) I could offer random stories, if nothing else. My blog started with the fact that I bought a house today. Getting back to that... I am thankful that through a very common, normal thing like buying something, God works to reveal pockets of darkness in my heart, so that light may be shed on them, that I can be made more like Christ.

God remembers. I am the one who forgets.

Top 10 Things I Love... about Jesus :)

1. He was on the side of the people who were not "good" (by God's standards, or the world's) -prostitutes, thieves, criminals. He told them truth and many of them loved him for it.

2. He stood up for those being oppressed.

3. He liked kids, and he was nice to them. He was also nice to women and saw them as actual people (unlike many in that time period).

4. He wasn't necessarily physically attractive, but people were drawn to him.

5. He perfectly modeled how to help people: balancing discussions and warnings about sin with helping them physically, having compassion on them, spending time with them, honoring them.

6. He touched lepers and other outcasts, when no one else would.

7. He did not take the easy way out when he was tempted in the desert. He endured through the most difficult of trials.

8. He used everyday stories to explain deep truths about God.

9. He cried when Lazarus died. Even though he knew what would happen, he still felt immense sadness for the people who were mourning Lazarus.

10. His teachings are completely opposite of how we think:

-blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth

-love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you

-beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them

-remove the log from your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye

I sing and talk to Jesus often. I believe that he who knew no sin became sin on my behalf so that I could have the righteousness of God, which is a very weighty thing. But I too often forget to think about how he actually lived while on this earth, and that I should be modeling my own life after his. It's nice to be reminded of the reasons why I love Jesus, and why he's worthy of my life.

17 vs. 27

I was recently reading through some old journals when I went home over Christmas break. They were completely ridiculous. But as I was reading, I was totally transported back to being 17 years old, reliving each moment that I wrote about. As I look back, sometimes I'm nostalgic for the past. As I read some of the prayers I wrote out to God as a teenager, I want to cringe. My requests were so selfish and ridiculous. But there was a naivety and trust about me that I almost long for now. Today, I am a realist. I filter everything through my experiences, instead of Scripture, many times. At 17, I hadn't yet been hardened by some of life's experiences. I took God at his word. I believed that God was good without doubt.

Even so, I don't want to go back, partly because no one should have to do middle school twice... and partly because I recognize how far God has brought me. He has been making me more like him each day since then. Even though I struggle so much more with doubts 10 years later, I know that he is developing in me a real faith. A faith that has been tested, and by his grace will come out as gold. A faith that doesn't always have the answers, but trusts through pain.

I must remember that God is sovereign. I wrestle with that thought daily. I know that He is, it's just difficult for me to reconcile that with some of the events of the past. Events from my own life, and events around the world. I was reminded of this during a conversation last night. We were discussing doubts and how we deal with them, specifically when hard times come, such as death. One friend reminded us all that though God's hand is over all of these things, He is not without compassion or emotionally disconnected from His children. I needed to hear that. I can remember the graciousness of God to comfort me when my parents got divorced, and then again just months later when my mom died. He was so tender toward me that year. He still is, but I have overlooked it. I tend to get angry with God sometimes, and to doubt His goodness. I desperately needed to hear that although he wounds, he binds up. He shatters, but his hands heal.

Looking through an old journal from high school, 17 year old me can remind 27 year old me of something very important. Here is something I wrote after a time when my mom got very sick, nearly died, and then recovered.

"My mom's home now. I'm feeling excited and happy and scared at the same time. I love her so much. More than I could ever have imagined before all this happened. I love you, God, more than my parents! I have got to trust your decisions - they're always right and best. Please let me be accepting and content with what you choose to do or to let happen. Amen."

When suffering comes, God is not detached from our suffering. He understands it.

~Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

~Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

~And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

~Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?

God has a plan. A big plan, that I am a part of, but certainly not at the center of. It's with that perspective that I want to pray, to ask God for my desires, and to accept His gifts as He chooses to give them, including suffering.

Contentment and Facebook

I have a thousand thoughts swirling around in my mind right now.  As I was reading and writing in my journal earlier, I was thinking about how I've changed.  Not in a good way, but how I used to have no problem with some things, and now they are a really big deal.  For example, I am finding it very hard to just be.  Be in my house, be in my room.  Sit and read or even watch tv. It's really weird, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it.  There were plenty of times in college that I didn't have anything to do on the weekends, and on those nights, I was perfectly content to sit in my apartment, watch a movie, call up a friend, etc.  But lately, when I find myself without something to do, I feel like I cannot sit and focus on a tv show or read a book, because I need interaction.  I have almost always been an extrovert, but I think I have become even more of one over the past 2 or 3 years.  That's still no excuse for being discontent and restless, though.

One idea that I'm throwing around in my mind right now is how Facebook may have changed my contentment.  That may sound dumb, but I really think it has something to do with it. About a year and a half ago, I didn't know what people were doing at every moment.  And I was ok.  As it turns out, I don't have to know every single thing they are thinking or doing.  I think that Facebook, while it is a great tool to keep up with people, has (for me, personally) made me addicted to knowing what other people are doing, or addicted to letting everyone else know what I am doing.  I'm trying to see the connection that it may have with my level of contentment spiraling downward so quickly. It connects so many people, in so many ways, which can be a great thing.  However, for me, it has cheapened communication.  Nothing is a mystery anymore.  I love writing random statuses and having people comment on them.  I just don't know if that has brought any benefit to my character... it's only helped me to become more needy of attention than I already am.  

After typing all of this, I think I am going to take a week away from the FB... doesn't sound like much, but I want to start small... my prayer is that each night I spend away from the computer, I will find it easier to rest, to not have to know what others are doing, and to know that I will be ok if I don't tell the entire internet world what I am thinking every moment of the day.  I really don't want this to be a legalistic move on my part, and I especially don't want to push my struggle/solution onto anyone else... I just want to get to the bottom of why I am having such a hard time being still and content, and I think this week of being without it may be helpful for me to figure it out.

BJ's - The Happiest Place on Earth

My students recently won a class field trip to BJ's (the store, similar to CostCo and Sams Club). They are partnering with our school, so they made our hallway behavior a competition, and my class won the field trip.  I was very proud of them, and they really enjoyed themselves.  They got to see some of the behind the scenes stuff, meet the employees (one of which was the mom of one of my students), and then decorate bags of food for a food bank.  It was nice to see them helping someone else.  I'm really glad that was a part of the trip.

One student stuck by my side the whole time, telling me which pictures to take.  "Action shot, Ms. Christie!  Get that one!"  When I was too late or didn't take the picture, he was truly annoyed with me, as though I was the most incompetent teacher he had ever had.  At one point, they got to walk inside one of the giant freezers in the receiving area of the store, and he said, "Get a picture of that!  You never know.  You may not get another chance to come to BJ's."  He's right, we do not know what tomorrow brings :-)  

A bit later, we walked near another freezer, and the kids got to go in again - the same student said to me, "It's so cold, Ms. Christie!  Go over there and feel it!"  I responded by saying that I could feel it from where I was (it was really crowded, and I didn't feel like busting through the kids to go feel the air).  He said, "No, I want you to walk in!"  So I started walking over and the employee shut the door before I could go in.  My student looked at me, disappointedly, and said, "You walked over there really slow so that she would close it before you got there.  I could tell."  He's pretty perceptive!  :-)  He got over it pretty quickly.

After we returned from our trip, I had the students write Thank You letters to Mr. Frank and Ms. Megan, the people who hosted our tour of the store.  Here are some of the funny and precious things they wrote:

BJ's is better than Sam's Club.

Thank you for choosing our class to do the decoration.  I blow kisses to you all "mpau" (she then drew a pair of lips beside that sentence).  

Thank you for haveing us at Bj's that's was one of my best's feld tips thank for the cook (cookie) and for the cony chanch (candy crunch?).  I am telling my mom that to come and by stuff at BJ's.

I will come back and be a member.

BJ's definitely made some kids want to shop there and get their parents to become members there!  :-)  One of my boys kept saying, "I can't wait until I turn 16 and I can go work at BJ's..."  Who knew they would love this field trip so much?  

My Third Year

At the beginning of the year, I give my students a survey to fill out so I can get to know them better.  Here are some of their answers.  For the integrity of their answers, I did not correct any of the spelling or grammar issues.  I did add some notes of my own after a few of them :-)

If I could rule the world, I'd: 

-change to econmie 

-no murders will be availible

The best thing that happened to me last year:

-I got chicken as a treat

If I lived in another country, I'd like it to be:

-clean

-a cowgirl  

-a doctor (you're reading these correctly... still no country named yet)

-San Frasisco (still no countries yet...)

-Asia (still not there yet... but getting closer!)

-Candyland

-Om

-the owner of WalMart

-cheap

-Hawaii (hey! even if it's not a country, at least it's spelled right!)

-Florida

-with a lot of fun

(so, this is almost half my class... about 1/4 of them just didn't write a country.  i'd say it's time for a geography lesson)  :-)

My favorite place is 

-In the dessert on a camel

-Golden Coral

If I could change my name, I'd call myself:

-Diamond

-Bob

-Mickel

-I would not have a name (we may have an "artist formerly known as" on our hands)

-Vealatina

-Rose

-Quasia

If I had $100 I'd:

-send my brother away

-give it to my parents

-give it to my mom 

Describe your classroom:

-organized, good learning environment

-big, organized

-cwiyet

-it is very organized

-clean

-my classroom is very neat and clean 

-a neat, clean, and calm classroom

-organized

(I included this to show off God's goodness and to motivate me to keep it clean!  Those of you who know me, know that keeping a room clean is not one of my strong points...)

Describe your teacher:

-nice, fun, techful

-a nice, neat, and gentle

What was your biggest worry?

-of puting my backpack on the hucker. (i think he meant hook)

Name one interesting thing about your teacher:

-she likes to teach

-that she likes giveing people a chance

-her pet peev is when you spell a word wrong whent it shows the word

-she has terrific recess games

-he hated science growing up (apparently, i am a "he" now)

-she is really nice and funny too (sometimes I do a stand up routine for the kids.  not really.  but I have heard some of the students imitating the way I say, "Seriously?" when a kid does something they know they shouldn't do)

a few more random funny things that have happened:

-a student told me her favorite TV show is Dog the Bounty Hunter

-2 kids asked me if I wore a bump-it in my hair

-when asked how a math problem was solved, a student wrote, "useing my math skills."

-at recess, with a sigh, one student exclaimed... "i think i'm just gonna be single this year..."

Comparison

Comparison is one of the most unhealthy activities I participate in on a daily (hourly, minutely) basis.  It is really a huge temptation for me.  It comes in all forms.  At least I'm not as rude as her... I wish I looked more like her... I wish I got as much attention as she does... I wish I wish I wish (this is starting to sound like an R. Kelly song).  

One Bible verse that is always helpful is 2 Corinthians 10:12 "...but when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding."  Measuring myself by someone else will make me lose every time.  I'm either belittling my own sin or raising myself up above someone else (both inaccurate and detrimental ways to think...)  If I'm interested in comparing, I ought to compare myself to Christ every time, which will remind me of my need for Him and bring about humility and thankfulness.  

"Self-Knowledge," a prayer in the Valley of Vision, has some helpful things to say about this...

for sinners bring judgment in thinking sins are small,

or that God is not angry with them.

Let me not take other good men as my example,

and think I am good because I am like them,

For all good men are not so good as thou desirest...

I pray that the next time I am tempted to compare myself to others (whether to lift myself up or jealously wish I was like someone else) that God reminds me quickly that the only one worthy to be held up for comparison is Christ himself.  

**If anyone has any books on this topic that you have found helpful, please let me know!**

The Mountain

No worries... I won't quote any part of the song by Steven Curtis Chapman.  At least not intentionally.

This summer has been a really good time of reflection and introspection.  Sometimes introspection is not good, because it can turn into self-absorption, but I really think that God has used my down time this summer to show me some things I haven't been able to see in the past several years.  Over the past 2 weeks specifically God has given me some wonderful mornings (and afternoons) of reading His word.  One particular day this week, I wasn't able to read in the morning, and instead of the nagging guilt I had grown accustomed to experiencing when I don't read the Bible, I felt a real yearning for the comfort and peace that comes with knowing God and spending time with Him.  It was a lovely surprise to realize that I truly felt something was missing because I didn't read that morning.

This is huge for me.  At the age of 16 when God drew me to Himself, I read my Bible, but I was never very disciplined.  I truly wanted to know truth, and I would have pockets of time where I would read voraciously, but I was never good at reading when I didn't "feel like it."  I knew this was an issue, and I had prayed and asked God (and other people) for help, but I never saw much victory.  

Over my Christmas break in 2003, I came home to Port St. Joe, and I had a lot of time to read and just hang out.  God moved in me so miraculously during those 2 weeks.  Although I was already a Christian, and I knew I was a sinner and that God had rescued me through the death and resurrection of Christ, I had not truly realized the depth of my sin and the glories of God. Through the story of Daniel being thrown into a den of lions, God showed me the grossness and vastness of my sin, and the depths of His goodness and mercy.

Let me stop right here and say that I am surrounded by a lot of people who went to seminary, and because of that, over time, I have felt intimidated and unwilling to talk in depth about God for fear that my knowledge was "wrong" or "out of context."  I still fear that, but God is helping me.  Me typing this and putting it on the internet is one step forward in that direction.  Ok, back to what I was saying...

In Daniel 6:22, Daniel says that God "shut the mouths of the lions."  Those same lions, who did not touch Daniel, had a very different response to the men who had falsely accused Daniel. When they were thrown in, "before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones."  As I read this, I became keenly aware of God's wrath, that it is terrible, and that it remains on everyone who does not trust in Christ for salvation.  They will be crushed by it.  God used this mightily in my life to bring me to a realization of what exactly I had been saved from.  I am no longer under the wrath of God!  I will not be overpowered or crushed by His terrible anger, but I have been rescued!  I am safe from the wrath of God as Daniel was safe from the lions.  I am protected by Christ.  He absorbed the wrath on my behalf. This is reason for excitement, praise, and a thankful heart!

The next 2 weeks of my life were the best of my life to that point.  I had never understood the gospel with such clarity, and I was so happy.  This all happened about a month before the worst year I could have imagined.  Within that year (really, it was squished into about 6 months), my parents divorced, my dad remarried, and my mom died.  A really bad year.  I look back on those 2 weeks at Christmas so fondly, because it was such a sweet thing God did for me.  He opened my eyes to see His goodness so that when my life and faith were violently shaken, I would know that He is for me, and that He has saved me, regardless of what life holds.  The following year was awful, and even in the years to come, I have struggled to find joy as I have tried to make sense of it all.  For about 4 years now, I have been asking God for another sweet time of fellowship with Him like I had so long ago.  I don't want to live in the past, but I longed for His presence the way I had experienced it then.  

That is where I was, when 2 weeks ago God opened my eyes once again to see His amazing grace (see the previous post).  I am so thankful.  I know there are times on the mountaintop that God gives us for renewal, and I know that there are valleys that are confusing and difficult.  I wanted to blog about the mountain so that I can look back on it when I'm tempted to rely on my emotions in the valley.

Grace Abounding

Over the weekend, my storage facility called me to let me know there was an air conditioning leak, and I should go check to make sure there was no water damage.  The majority of this blog post will not be about that, but about the way God used it to bring about a big revelation about the patterns of my faithless heart and of His boundless grace.  

When I finally went to check on things, I found that there wasn't really that much damage, but it was still a hassle because I have a ton of stuff in there, stuff that is not easily moved - a piano, a table, a bunch of heavy tubs, etc.  After moving a bunch of stuff out into the hallway and triple checking the important things to make sure they weren't damaged, I moved everything back in so I could close and lock it.  It's important for me to note here that my storage lock is not a padlock - it more of the shape of a roll of pennies, but about 1/4 of the size.  As I go to lock it, I realize that it's no longer connected to my key.  

I pitch a silent fit in my mind at how ridiculous it will be to try to find it, especially since I have moved so many things around, and I have no idea at what point it fell off my key.  I look all around for it, moving tubs and lifting bags of clothes.  At some point of my impatient frustration, it occurs to me to ask God for help.  So, I pray.  As I am praying, I say something like, "God, please please please just let me find the lock.  I don't know how, but just please let me find it."  Even as I say these words, my mind goes somewhere that it hasn't gone in quite a while (consciously anyway).  Full blown anger toward God.  This may sound incredibly ridiculous, seeing as how it was over a lock and key for crying out loud, and I'm the one who lost it anyway... but there are so many more layers than that.  I think to myself, "God isn't going to let me find this lock.  He never answers prayers the way I want him to, and He sure isn't going to start now."  These words were exactly what I have been thinking, and harboring inside for years, ever since my mom died.  Everything points back to that day, it seems.

And then something beautiful happened.  As grace is always found, it certainly wasn't at my most "shining" moment that God decided to bestow his favor on me.  It was at my grossest, most bratty, ugly moment, right after I told God that I was sure he wouldn't help me, that I angrily lifted up a trash bag full of old clothes (that I had already searched once during this process) and out fell the lock that I was so sure God wouldn't let me find.  I sat there stunned for a moment and then quickly repented.  

I have been processing the depths of this seemingly small act of kindness from Him.  In an instant, He showed me that instead of believing that God answers prayer, I believe that He won't.  My issue is not that I believe God can't do something, but that I believe He will not, for whatever reason.  It is a belief that has been detrimental to my faith over the last several years.  He is gracious enough not to let me stay that way.  He granted me one simple request when I didn't deserve it, as a reminder that He is for me, He answers prayers, and I must have faith in Him rather than doubting Him at every turn.  I am really thankful.

Summer Reading

Over the past 2 summers, thanks to teaching, I've rediscovered my love of reading.  I mostly like to read fiction, but I also read a good theology or practical life-application non-fiction book.  Here are some that I plan on reading this summer.  (This is kind of like a list for myself, more-so than the rest of you... so I can look back to see if I accomplished the goal of actually finishing them...):

Books to read (that I haven't started yet):

Tipping Point - Malcolm Gladwell

Persuasion - Jane Austen

Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult

Working with Parents - Ruby K. Payne

Books to finish (some of these I've been reading for years!):

Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

Uprooting Anger - Robert D. Jones

How People Change - Lane/Tripp

Ministries of Mercy - Tim Keller

Under the Overpass - Mike Yankoski (this one doesn't belong to me... I've had it for 3 years!)

Mansfield Park - Jane Austen

Future Grace - John Piper

Picture Perfect - Jodi Picoult

Salem Falls - Jodi Picoult

Looking at the list, it's become apparent that I have commitment issues with sticking with a book to the very end.  Maybe there's a book to help with that.... :-)  I could tackle this they way you tackle debt - read the books that I am almost done with first so that I can cross them off and feel like I've accomplished something.  

I also have somewhat of a predicament... Nicole Wilson (my roommate) has said that if I read the entire Twilight series, she will watch all the episodes of 30 Rock with me.  I love to watch TV with people, and that's my favorite show, so it seems like a great idea.  But the predicament is that I hate reading or watching stuff that is fantasy/sci-fi/can't be real.  Hmmmm.  I'll update my booklist if I decide to take her up on this deal.

Please feel free to recommend good reads (fiction or non) for the summer!  Thanks!

10 Lessons for New Teachers

I only have 9 more teaching days left.  I'm not sure how I'll feel after these 29 little ones go off to middle school.  It's so crazy that I've spent 172 days with them, a total of about 1200 hours with them since August.  Last year, I was fine on the last day.  I packed up my classroom and said goodbye to them - no tears.  But as I drove home, Say by John Mayer came on the radio, and I started crying and just could not stop.  

"Every little past frustration, take all of your so called problems, better put 'em in quotations."  

The last day of school is a day of letting go, and the realization sinks in for me that I no longer have influence on those little ones anymore.  They are gone, and all I can do is hope I said something right, or cared enough, or helped them understand something well enough. 

Unfortunately, I never seem to be able to harbor those thoughts and feelings when I am actually in the classroom... where it matters most.  Contrary to popular opinion, and the many movies portraying "inner city schools," thought-provoking, emotionally gripping music does not play in the background as I teach in my room.  Usually, it's the sound of a pencil sharpener falling on the ground ensuring that shavings are in every possible part of the desk area, the whine of, "But I didn't do nothin!" or "Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie, Ms. Christie..."  Somehow, I need to find a way to remember to overlook "the small stuff," and to see the bigger picture when I am in the classroom with the kids.  God, please help me with this.

As much as the end of the year is bittersweet, I do love being able to contemplate all that went wrong and right after the year has ended.  Starting over is lovely.  August brings new students, new trials, and new lessons.  It also brings new ideas.  That's my favorite - being able to change the things that just didn't work or that I didn't have the energy to change the previous year.  

Both years, I have learned much from the 2 very different classes I had.  I blogged about some funny stories from my first year of teaching.  Now, here are some lessons I've learned in my second year: 

1.  Never say, or even think to yourself, "It can't get worse."  It always can.  It can also get better.

2.  Sometimes rules simply have to have a negative in them.  It's crazy how specific they become too:  "Please do not follow me around the room while repeating my name over and over and over and over...." or "Please do not crowd so close to my desk that you get tangled in my computer cord and cause it to fall."

3.  When you stay calm and don't yell, it makes it a better day for everyone.

4.  Pray.  For strength, for patience (although it's tough when you get to exercise patience), for the students.  I haven't done that enough.

5.  Just because you think something is super cool doesn't mean they will.  Although, on the other hand, it is all in the presentation.  Sometimes you can convince them to think something's cool just by being excited about it.  

6.  If you don't actually want to know the truth, don't ask a kid.  They will tell you, and it's brutal.  Trust me.  Don't go fishing for compliments either.  

7.  Disney Channel makes eating lunch exciting (and more peaceful).  

8.  If at ALL possible, don't get a substitute during the first month of school.  Last year, I missed the first two weeks of school (chicken pox) and this year, I missed the second week of school (Central Asia).  It's really, really hard to bounce back from.  And I'm not one for using more than one "really" in a sentence, unless I really, really mean it.

9.  Telling the kids that you don't feel good to get their sympathy so they will behave does not work.  In many cases, it backfires, and they see your weakness as an invitation to misbehave because you won't have the energy to stop them.  Firsthand experience here.  

10.  The second you choose to finally go against every fiber of your being and throw something away, you will need it the next day, or possibly a few hours later, after the trash has been removed.  This is true of life in general, but it is magnified in schools.

4 more weeks...

Maybe this is why I'm so stressed out:

the bookshelf in my classroom where students "neatly stack" their books

and yes... this is a boot.  on the bookshelf.  

4 more weeks.

2/11/09

I had a great birthday!  My day started with waking up to streamers and balloons from my roommates, and Nicole made breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes) for us and some friends.  Yum.  When I got to school, here's what I saw:

Last week sometime, my students enlisted the help of another teacher and the custodian, and I guess they just assigned people what they needed to bring.  They had Capri-Suns, cupcakes, an array of chips, candy, and popcorn.  I got balloons, silk flowers, a plastic vase, and quite a few cards.  So sweet :-)  It was a very interesting balance to try to show my students that I was very thankful and that I thought it was so sweet, but that I also still needed to discipline the kids that tried to take advantage of the fact that it seemed to be a "fun day" from the beginning. That was not easy, but it worked out okay.  There were only a few kids who pushed the limit, and for the most part, everyone was in a great mood, and it was a great day.  

After school, I came home and my roommates had invited my friend Cary over, and we all ate Lilly's Pizza.  Yum.  When I went to Community Group, we all stood around outside (because today was SO amazing outside... 75 degrees!).  When we went inside, they had arranged some brownies and ice cream, along with a lovely picture of me:  

This all started when Cary and her husband Jason decided to get rid of a large picture of him at our community group's Christmas gift exchange.  It has been passed around a few times, and now I get to decide who the next recipient is, and I get to put their face on it!  Fun.  Now I just have to find a place for it until then.  Maybe on my desk at school.... 

I am thankful for all my wonderful friends and family who called and wished me a happy birthday.  I have really been missing my mom these past few weeks, and this morning I found myself feeling an overwhelming sadness, even in the midst of such wonderful people and blessings.  I know it's not a bad thing for me to miss my mom, but I am thankful that God showed me that if I focused on how sad I was today, I would miss out on the joy of seeing the family of God care for me and love me.  It was a conscious fight all day long to choose to focus on the here and now instead of on what I don't have, but I am thankful that God showed it to me first thing and helped me all day.  

"What do you have that you did not receive?"  1 Corinthians 4:7

Thank you, God, for the many undeserved blessings you showered down on me today!

Today

2-hour delay today - kids come at 10:45.  Very exciting for all teachers and students.

In reading - we have 6 laptops for the kids to use.  It's very difficult to monitor the use of the laptops while trying to teach a reading group while trying to answer questions about latin stems while trying to keep 3 kids from literally shocking other kids with fake Juicy Fruit purchased at Spencers.

After lunch - one of my lovelies decides he can leave the classroom without asking me.  I don't realize this for about 10 minutes.  A kid goes to find him and brings him back.  I write a discipline referral.

Later after lunch - 4 kids swarm my desk to ask me questions.  In the midst of the confusion, one kid knocks my macbook (my own personal computer) off of my desk onto the hard tile floor.  I yell at them all to sit down.  A blood vessel in my eye bursts.  This is true.  I wait about 3 minutes before I check to see if my computer still works.  I pray this whole time that I will react appropriately regardless of whether or not it works.  It does work.  Praise God.  

After Math - another teacher comes in to let me know that one of my kids was playing with a $100 bill in class.  This is not the first time that has happened this year, both times it's been boys in my class that have these big bucks.  ***(we found out later that one of them actually traded it to the other one for his cookie and bag of chips...  Jacob and Esau?)

After school - a student brings me papers to grade.  This is the news that brightens my day a bit.  3 girls from another class chose to write about me for the last writing assignment.  Here are some of the sweet (and funny) statements they made about me in their writing:

Student #1:

"She is smart.  She is nice.  Although, she can be a little mean when your getting on her nerves, but other than that she's still nice."

"She dresses cool, she's sporty, outgoing and hip."  Ha!  :-)

"Ms. Christie is a great reader, when she reads the whole world stops idmmedieity."  (that word is supposed to be 'immediately...')  "She knows when to punish you and when to love you.  She knows when to act silly around you."

Student #2:

"Ms. Christie is so magnificent and pretty!"  (this one makes me giggle, because I imagine she had a list of words she wanted to use that were 'big words.')  

"Ms. Christie has beautiful shoes."  This one makes me confused, because I pretty much wear the same flip flops every day...

"Suddenly she is very kind."  Hahahaha, again, trying to use a "writing term" but not using it in the right way.  Precious.  

"She loves when I ask questions about math.  Sometimes when I really understand it she is very excited.  She is never creul" (cruel) "and she believe in me."  :-)  sweet....

Student #3:

"You are very special to be in her clas.  But she makes you take your shoe off if you ask her for a pencil.  But she is still a spectaculart teacher."  

"She helps you when you need it.  An she give out candy to.  I love candy.  How about you?  Don't you like candy?"  This one makes me laugh because I honestly don't give out candy very often.  But maybe I did one day - she obviously remembers it as a very motivating part of being in my class....

Now you have been on a virtual field trip of my day.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Spot Conlon

My all-time favorite movie is Newsies.  If you haven't seen it, watch it.  If you still use a VCR you can borrow it from me.  I've probably seen it at least 100 times since I discovered it on the Disney Channel in 7th grade.  My friend Amber and I would rewind the tape over and over again to learn the dance moves (yes, dance moves) and sing along.  Ridiculous, but so much fun. My first TV crush ever (beating out Matthew Lawrence from Brotherly Love and Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains) was Spot Conlon, the tough kid from Brooklyn who sort of saves the day in Newsies.  Here are some pictures for everyone's enjoyment: 

He's about to save the day.

He's saving the day.

He's happy he saved the day.

Here are a few Spot quotes from the movie:  

"I say... that what you say... is what I say."  

"Never fear, Brooklyn's here."

Talk about your Oscar-winning writing... 

If I haven't made a good enough case for the movie, I'll go ahead and do some name dropping. Christian Bale is the main character, and it's one of his first noteworthy films.  That's right, I consider this film to be worthy of note.  

Now, the main purpose of this blog post was not so that you would learn to love this classic (although that will be an obvious by-product of reading this).  It's because I recently found out that "Spot Conlin" is more than just a name.  It is found in the Urban Dictionary and the verbatim definition is:

Spot Conlin:  (n) Brooklyn; (v) To beat someone up or to use a slingshot.

Who knew that my first fictional crush would turn out to be so famous that they put him in the Urban Dictionary as not only a noun - "I live in Spot Conlin territory", but also as a verb - "Look my way again, and I'll Spot Conlin you."  Looks like I chose my first entertainment crush well.  I mean, no one goes around saying, "I'm gonna Zac Morris or Jason Priestley you."  Now, it is important to note here that Spot's last name is actually spelled Conlon, but in the urban dictionary, they spell it Conlin.  Maybe spelling things a little different than the original is the urban way.  Like getting your hair done at Kiki's Krazy Kuts or something.  I'm not sure.

So, in summary... 

Looking for a movie to watch this weekend?  Rent (or borrow) Newsies.  Starring:

Christian Bale

Bill Pullman

Ann-Margaret

Robert Duvall

Praying in Faith

There is a war going on in my mind.  I don't know how to pray in faith.  I know that it is biblical to pray expectantly, in faith, knowing that God desires to do good to His children.  

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"  Romans 8:32

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.  Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for afish, will give him a serpent?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"  Matthew 7:7-11

My pitfall is this:  As soon as I pray, asking God for whatever I may be desiring, I immediately go to the thought, "He probably won't do what I've asked, because of all those other times my prayers weren't answered the way I wanted them to be."  My mom dying really shattered a portion of my prayers for a while (it's still not quite healed).  I had never begged and pleaded for anything so much in my life, and yet, it was not God's will for her to live.  My "petition" prayers became non-existent after that, because I believed that since God will do as He pleases, why should I even tell Him what I want?  I don't want to live or pray this way anymore, because it is unbiblical, but I don't quite understand the balance of knowing that God wants us to pray and to ask Him for what our hearts desire, but also recognizing that ultimately, what He has ordained will prevail.  Help!  Thoughts? Scriptures?  Books on the topic?  I would appreciate any advice that anyone has to share about this, especially if you have wrestled through similar issues.  

The interesting thing about this blog post is, I literally just finished typing the top part up to this point, and I decided to flip through my Valley of Vision book.  In it, I just read a prayer called, "The Divine Will."  Here is an excerpt that has given me insight into the very topic I was asking about just minutes ago:  

"Help me to pray in faith and so find thy will,

by leaning hard on thy rich free mercy, 

by believing thou wilt give what thou hast promised;

Strengthen me to pray with the conviction 

that whatever I receive is thy gift,

so that I may pray until prayer be granted;

Teach me to believe that all degrees of mercy arise

from several degrees of prayer,

that when faith is begun it is imperfect and must grow, 

as chapped ground opens wider and wider until rain comes.

So shall I wait thy will, pray for it to be done, 

and by thy grace become fully obedient."

So ironically, in my asking for help to understand how to pray in faith, God has answered.  :-)  

I love Him.

Please let me know any further insight you may have on this topic, as I will still need all the help I can get in understanding.  Thank you!

Random Collection of Quotes and Funnies

I think I want to start blogging a "Song of the Week" based on whatever song that I hear my kids singing throughout the day.  Last week it was the song Bon Qui Qui sings on a Mad TV skit.  "On the mike is a queen, now listen to me sing..." Today it was, "It's a hard knock life..." all day long. Somehow, I don't think they've seen Annie... they are probably familiar with Jay Z's version.  ***I'm adding this sentence a few days later... I found out that they listened to the song in their music class when they studied Broadway, which explains why everyday students were singing it - it's an easy song to get stuck in your head. :-)

Today, one of my students walked up to me (always in front of the entire class when it's something controversial...) and he said, "Ms. Christie, check out my shirt!  It says, 'RIP' and that means, 'Rest In Peace.'"  "I see that," I said back to him (Nicole Wilson will be so proud of my choice of words there).  "Whose picture is on the front?" "Tupac."  It took everything in me not to say, "Are you sure he's really dead?"  Rap artists are probably not what the taxpayers are paying me to teach or hold debates about...

Conversation from the other day:

"Ms. Christie, can you help me get my watch on?"

"Sure, here you go..." (I proceed to fix his watch.)

"Thanks.  I'm not perfect at watches."  

Funny story from the other day:

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah" (during the first part, I was very distracted, so I don't exactly know what she said) "and then I woke up and I had a Jamaican/French accent."  That got my attention.  "A what?" I asked.  She repeated herself.  Then she proceeded to say, "I forgot my book today" in a very British accent (as well as a kid can do a British accent when it's supposed to be Jamaican/French).  I said, "Don't you mean, 'I forgot my book, Mon?"  She didn't get my joke.  Not many of them get my jokes.  She talked in the British voice for the rest of the day.  :-)

Happy Port St. Joe Thanksgiving

It all started out well enough... I made it to the airport, and had just checked my luggage in, and I realized that I left my phone in the car.  One of my neighbors, Panama, had dropped me off already, and I didn't even have a way to ask him to bring me my phone if I wanted to.  Thankfully, God has been recently revealing to me how much I rely on technology on a daily basis, so I (reluctantly) asked God to help me see this as an opportunity to be able to just be, me and God, no need (or ability) to communicate with anyone else.  

As I was checking in, also checking in was a single mom with 3 of the most obnoxious kids I have been around lately, which says a lot, when you consider my profession of choice.  It goes without saying that they were on my flight.  As I was walking to my gate, I stopped at the California Pizza Kitchen, which is of course, where they stopped to eat as well.  When I arrived at my gate, they arrived at my gate too, with the youngest one singing loudly about how he was going to drink the toilet water.  Really.

The upside to my wait was that they called me to the desk and they had my phone!  Panama had noticed in the car and brought it back.  Thanks!!  I had already begun to dwell on the practical implications of not having my phone - the only numbers I have memorized are Nicole Judd and Nicole Wilson.  I don't even know my dad's new phone number.  So, it worked out well that I was able to get it back before I left.  

On the plane, the turbulence was so bad and so sudden, that the flight attendant spilled my water all over my library book, and the rest of it went all over the front of my pants so that for the rest of the flight, it looked (and felt) like I peed all over myself.  Nice.  

Due to the weather, our flight was late departing from Raleigh, so we pulled up to the gate in Atlanta with only 30 minutes to spare before my next flight departed.  This actually gave me only 15 minutes, since these days they don't let you on the next flight any later than 15 minutes before the departure time.  Something about security... Of course, I was in almost the last row of the plane, so I had to wait for EVERYONE else to get their bags and stop and reminisce about in flight stories with people and talk baby talk to every single baby on the plane (of course, they weren't really doing this to such extremes, but it felt liek it to me).  Once I finally got off the plane, I only had about 8 minutes to make it to my gate.  I turned into crazy running girl - like something from Home Alone with "Run Run Rudolf" playing in the background.  I don't think Jes Peters reads my blog, but I wanted to shout out her quote, "Running with a backpack!" to let people know.  I ran and ran and ran, and ran some more - up and down a few escalators in which I literally had to climb over someone's suitcase, because he just would not move.  I asked first, and he said, "You can try," so I did.  This whole time all I could think of was Gena and her story about missing the flight to Scotland because she stopped to tie her shoe.  I kept saying to myself, "DO NOT STOP.  DO NOT MISS THIS FLIGHT BY 3 MINUTES."  Atlanta to Panama City flights are hard to come by in the evenings.  I finally made it to the gate, sweating and unable to breath (this paints a nice picture).  I made it to the gate at 8:23 pm, and it was supposed to depart at 8:36 pm.  They let me on the plane, and I made it safely!

On Tuesday, I woke up right after my dad left for work, and since I don't have a car here, I called Ms. Vicki (she was my mom's best friend, and I consider her a good friend of my own as well...) and she came to get me, and we caught up and talked for a few hours until my dad got off work for lunch.  

My dad and I went to Pepper's, the local Mexican restaurant.  Roberto seated us.  This is a very important piece to the story.  After we sat down, my dad says, "Alicia, I have a story to tell you about him... When I was getting my haircut about 2 years ago, Jolene* told me that he died.  The whole town mourned his death, because everyone knew him.  Everyone talked about it for weeks, and he was greatly missed."  At this point, you can imagine I was confused, seeing as how Roberto was the one who welcomed us into the restaurant.  My dad continues, "Well, last month on Halloween, I was walking down Reid Avenue, and there he was!  He wasn't dead!  He just left town for a few years, and came back."  Ha!  This little anecdote portrays the very essence of Port St. Joe.  For 2 years everyone thought this man had died, and he actually just went to Miami for a few years.  Oh, what a magical place I grew up in.  We talked to Roberto about it for a minute, and we all laughed a lot.  I told him since he had such a good experience, I am not thinking about pretending to die to see if anyone misses me.  Then I realized I would be sad if no one did, so I changed my mind.  (I am greatly resisting the temptation to write about that one episode of Friends right now...)

Wednesday, we drove up to Tallahassee to visit with my Granny, my aunt Susan and her husband Gary, and my uncle Carey.  I hadn't seen any of them in about a year, so it was good to catch up.  Later that night, I caught up with some of the Geoghagans, and then I went back home to continue the 30 Rock marathon my dad and I tried to complete by the end of the week (we were unsuccessful at watching the entire first season - but Christmas break is coming, so we'll continue it then.)

Thanksgiving Day was good - we went driving on the beach in the morning, and then we ate lunch with Glenn, Vicki, Bill and Ruth, and then on to another house for dessert (very, very yummy).  I got to meet the infamous "Johnny and Moses," my dad's new kids.  Well, not really, it's sort of like a "Big Brother" program, and they like to hang out at his house.  They are really sweet kids, and they were really excited to meet me, which I thought was nice.  

This morning, we ate breakfast with most of the Geoghagan family (minus Mr. Dennis) and most of their significant others (minus Benjamin).  We had a great time laughing at old memories, and we relived a few hilarious moments from Rachel's wedding in May (Katie singing bass, just to name one) :-)  I enjoy that family a lot.  

My Florida Thanksgiving was great.  I have so much to be thankful for!  

When We've Been There 10,000 Years...

My mom's been with Jesus for 4 years today.  It seems like so long that I've been without her on this earth, but I am reminded that it's such a speck of time compared to eternity. She's only been in heaven for 4 years, but even after 10,000 more, she'll have no less days to sing God's praise than when she'd first begun.  I am encouraged by that, even though I miss her terribly here. 

This is what I read from my Daily Light book this day four years ago - it brought great comfort to my soul then, and I want to remember it again:  

~It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

~Has God forgotten to be gracious?  Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?  

~I said in my haste, "I am cut off from before your eyes"; nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications when I cried out to You.  

~Shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them?  I tell you that He will avenge them speedily.  

~Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.

~Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.

~You will not need to fight in this battle.  Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.   

I am so thankful God rescued my mom from her sin, and even though her life was filled with trial after trial, He rescued her, in His time, and took her home to be with Him forever.  He is so good.